Part of My Spiritual practice is daily offering of myself to Gxd, but if I’m honest, some days that feels difficult. Today was one such day, and I decided to probe why it can be so difficult.
It’s not that the existence of Gxd is in doubt – my empirical evidence, if you like, is simply the fruit of prayer. No, Gxd doesn’t give me the winning lottery numbers, and certainly doesn’t spare me from pain and distress. But Gxd somehow carries me through – and there have been so many key moments in my life I can only describe as miracle. Come to think of it, though, on a good day I will see the existence of every leaf of a beloved beech tree as a miracle, which is hardly good evidence likely to convince a sceptic! But so it is. I belong to a worldview where Gxd is. (I will discuss that word ‘Gxd’ next week – stay tuned, and have a think about what it might mean ….)
But somehow that doesn’t solve the problem. Some days I’m tired, I’m in a bad mood, I simply don’t trust anyone and that includes Gxd.
At this point, if I’m lucky (if you’ll pardon the expression), I will recall those ancient and archaic words which I was lucky to learn as a child: “I to the hills will lift mine eyes.”
Religion baffled me as a child, wondering what all those big words meant (and any success I have as a theologian depends on keeping open that bafflement which continues to question those big words).
But this line, as we sang the mysterious poetry of the Scottish Metrical Psalms, made sense to me. In the wonderful Highlands of Scotland, I lived surrounded by the majesty of sometimes even snow-topped hills; I knew what it was to gaze at them in wonder and have a sense of something bigger than myself.
And that’s exactly the point; I need something bigger than my Self, I need to re-affirm Gxd as the universal force of love, greater than hate, than self-dissatisfaction, than depression, anxiety, turmoil, exhaustion.
The delightful singer Marilyn Baker wrote:
“Rest in My Love
Relax in My Care”
and for me, the struggle is often to be able to envision that strong, universal love when I don’t feel it. But the hills speak to me of beauty and awe. I can remember that I, too, am part of this wonderful creation and am loved. In other words, yes, it is safe to offer myself to a Gxd who is love, not fear. From there, the psalm offers pure delight to my ragged spirit:
I to the hills will lift mine eyes,
from whence doth come mine aid.
My safety cometh from the Lord,
who heav’n and earth hath made.
‘Making’ is not a series of 24-hour creative projects, of course, but a mysterious and wonderful cosmic unfolding which science glimpses and celebrates in every journal article which advances our knowledge. My spiritual conviction is that yes, it’s fuelled by love – and hate will not win the day, however I might feel on a ragged day. My biggest setp is to keep that faith – so to the hills, I lift my eyes! I’m curious – where is your healing gaze?
